Keeper

"You can have a seat right here, I'm going to get you a warm blanket."

These were the words the organ procurement coordinator said to me after I walked out of the ICU room within seconds of saying goodbye to the love of my life. He was gone. The room was spinning, my mind was numb, and I didn't understand her statement. "Well, I'm not sleeping here, so why do I need a blanket?" I slowly whispered in utter confusion. She didn't answer and walked down a hallway to retrieve the blanket. An ICU nurse nearby helped me sit down. Seconds later I started convulsing. I could not stop shaking. My teeth were chattering and I just remember staring into space. I was in shock. The organ coordinator came back and wrapped me up in a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer. Like clockwork, these medical professionals knew exactly what would happen when I exited Riley's ICU room. They had seen this all before. She apologized several times before she even began our conversation. I spent the next hour wrapped in the blanket filling out a verbal questionnaire about Riley's body and medical history.

When we finished, I looked at her and I'm sure she could hear the pure desperation in my voice when I asked, "Now what?" The next sentence out of her mouth struck so much turmoil in my heart. "You go home." My voice trembled, "I go home? Are you sure? Isn't there anything else you need from me?" She reached for a scrap piece of paper off the nurse's station and asked me to write down my cell phone number. I did. She said, "That's all we need tonight, we'll just need a funeral home in the morning." Just eight short hours ago I was on the phone with my husband planning out our weekend, and here I was about to drive home to plan his funeral.

Walking out of MercyOne that night felt like the twilight zone. It was so eerie. So foreign. So impossible. My mom drove us home and I swear that was our darkest moment together. How she could operate a vehicle is beyond me. We pulled into my driveway at 3:30 a.m. and like a zombie, I got out of the van and approached the garage door. My fingers shook as I typed in the code. I was home, but home was the last place I wanted to be. Because pulling into our driveway felt like a lie and I was so scared of the pain that stood behind that back door; the back door Riley would never walk through again.

I stepped into the house to find my dad sleeping in the chair out in the sunroom. I called for him across the quiet dark room, "Dad?" I'm surprised I even had the vocal chord strength to say anything. He immediately woke up and ran to me. I honestly don't know how to put into words the love a father has for his daughter. There is just something about being held by your dad, no matter how old you are. Truthfully in that time and space, I felt like a tiny little girl again. A tiny little girl who just needed her dad. Relief entered my whole body and for a moment time stood still and I could breathe, I could rest. He was there to catch me in my darkest hour when I physically couldn't stand, and I just sobbed and trembled in his arms.

But the next moment is still frozen in my mind. It was dark, and I knew I needed to turn on the lights. Such a simple task, but I was terrified. What was I going to find when the illumination exposed my home? Was I going to see the remnants of Riley's breakfast? Was his dirty laundry on the floor? His baseball cards sprawled out on the kitchen table? Was supper still on the stove? I was gutted. I didn't want to. I slowly flipped the lights as if something were going to explode when they turned on as if I could possibly endure more pain, I thought for certain there was more. I held my breath and couldn't believe what I saw.

My home was immaculate. Everything was in its place. The counters were clear, the floors were clean, and the beds were made. All of Riley's things were in their perfect place. Someone thoroughly cleaned my home. Someone knew the weight of the heartache that was going to be at the back door, someone knew the pain I was afraid of when the lights turned on. Really, this person just knew what needed to be done, so without asking, this person just quietly did it. But who was it? I gathered myself and looked around and quickly realized that the next member of my army showed up. There sound asleep on my couch was my friend and neighbor, Britt. I stared at my friend's exhaustion and an insane realization struck me. A realization that everyone had a story from that night. All of my friend's stories were so different, but Britt's story brought me to my knees. So how did Britt end up sleeping on my couch at 3:30 in the morning?

I learned that as soon as the news of Riley's accident hit the neighborhood, almost every single one of my neighbors was in and out of my home at some point in those early hours. When Britt arrived, she immediately took over caring for Khloe in the midst of the chaos and confusion. She has an extremely nurturing spirit about her. She can calm screaming babies, and make any child feel loved. I've watched over the years how she has the ability to make all of our children in the neighborhood feel special and cared for. The way that she speaks, the way that she acts, and the way that she loves, it is obvious why all of our kids adore her. It only made sense she would naturally take over caring for my Khloe.

She finished Khloe's nighttime routine and went into the nursery to rock her to sleep. She rocked and rocked her even after she fell asleep because she didn't want Khloe to wake up to the nightmare unfolding outside the walls of the serene nursery. Simultaneously, the rest of the neighborhood was in the living room waiting for an update on Riley's condition. The phone rang, and on speakerphone, the whole room heard the devastation. Can you imagine the grief that overwhelmed my home? Britt's husband Andrew went into the nursery to tell her. This woman was holding my precious baby girl the night her daddy went to heaven. She was rocking my sweet child, and can I just say Khloe was in the best hands? She was in the arms of a woman who loves deeply. A woman who is warm, nurturing, and safe. Khloe didn't cry a single tear, because she was in Britt's warm embrace. The relief I felt when I found out she was the one who cared for Khloe that night is unexplainable. Because I know she loves Khloe like she loves her own children.

God knew Britt was the perfect fit for that minuscule puzzle piece that night. He knew she was the woman for the job. A task so simple, yet so needed, intimate, and impactful. She didn't belong at the accident or in the ER, she was exactly where she was supposed to be. In the dark nursery providing comfort and love to Riley's daughter. She not only rocked my baby to sleep, but she thoroughly cleaned my home, and after all of that, she slept on my couch to ensure Khloe would be fully taken care of all night long. The next morning she brought over a large coffee pot, extra sheets, bedding, and pillows for all the family I was about to host. She thought of everything. Her husband made us delicious food and bought me groceries and her children made Khloe the most beautiful gifts, and truthfully the list goes on and on.

Britt is a beautiful woman. Stunning actually. But physical beauty only goes skin deep, and I promise you her outward appearance does not come close to the beauty of her heart. Because this woman's heart is a precious gem, it's gold. She is compassionate. She is kind. She is gentle. Britt would instantly lend her heart or hand to help anyone in need. A keeper is someone who looks after someone or something. Britt looks after and loves those around her. It's so apparent in the ways she takes care of her family and friends. Britt is a keeper, and I am so grateful she looked after my whole heart (Khloe) and home that night.