Corroboration

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies. Go away, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.

Psalms 6:6-9

This Psalm was the anthem of my grief. It encapsulated my suffering and it summarized my heart's torment in the hours and days after Riley met Jesus. I didn't sleep after the car accident. We calculated I was awake for over 72 hours. I couldn't bare the thought of setting foot into our master bedroom, so I just lay on the couch waiting for Khloe's nightly cries. I was still nursing her and she hadn't slept through the night yet. I remember staring at the clock desperately wishing it would move faster. Desperately wishing the night would be over. The deepest, darkest anguish and emptiness that settled in the pit of my gut in the silent hours of 2:00 a.m. is a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was so lost. Alone in a bottomless hallow of agony.

Flashbacks of the scene of the accident, all the lights, Riley's car, the police officers, the hospital, the flight nurses, and the trauma doctors. Was this all real? How could I possibly sleep? I would try to close my eyes, but I shuttered at even the thought of what I was going to see if I did. Just thinking about sleeping made me sob. I tried to whisper to God in the darkness, but I could not form words to describe the hell I was living in. How do you put that much pain into sentences? He felt so far away. Where was he? Why did he abandon me? I just stared at the ceiling and trusted these words from the Apostle Paul in his letters to the Romans.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Romans 8:26

Wordless groans. That's all I had to offer, but God was with me in the darkness. He heard the cries from the depths of my soul. He showed up and delivered me from my pain in a miraculous way. Now, I understand that the next part of this story may seem shocking, and maybe even crazy to some of my readers. But I realize that I am not here to make people feel comfortable, I have a hunch I'm here to do the opposite. So, brace yourselves. That night my body and mind finally surrendered and flipped the switch to survival mode. I fell into a deep, sound sleep, and then...God gave me a dream. Before I go on, it's important to know that I hardly ever dream, or at least hardly ever remember my dreams. I can sincerely count on my hands the number of dreams and nightmares I've remembered my entire life. Honestly. That night, exactly three nights after the accident, I had the clearest dream I have ever recalled to date. So clear, so astonishing, that I woke up out of my first deep sleep and could not believe what I had seen.

It was the scene of the accident and Riley lay in his car unconscious in the darkness. What a hopeless and terrifying vision. A nightmare. I almost woke up then...but then God delivered an incredible picture into my mind. Suddenly, Riley began to climb up and out of the car. His eyes were determined and fixated on the outside of the vehicle. Riley was reaching up for something to pull him out. A hand came into view and he held on tight. The hand belonged to Jesus. Through the blown windshield, the shattered glass, and the wreckage, Jesus locked hands with Riley and lifted him up and out of the car away from his earthly body. Riley's face? Radiating pure joy with his iconic, infectious smile.

I could have woken up then and been at peace for the rest of my life. But what happened next was what validated everything I knew and now confidently know about the character of Jesus Christ. What happened next proves that death is not the end, and death is defeated on the day our soul leaves this earth. What happened next confirms that Jesus is relational and loving, that he is ever so kind, and that he is a good, father, and friend. What happened next was the reason I didn't cry a single tear at Riley's funeral.

So what happened next? Jesus helped him up out of the car, and when they were standing on the highway, he immediately collected Riley into his arms with one hand around his waist, and the other cradled around his head. Riley wrapped his arms around Jesus and effortlessly fell into his embrace with his head buried into his shoulder. Their body language with one another was so remarkably familiar as if they'd known each another for a very long time. What an incredible reunion. In perfect unison and stride, they put their arms around the small of each other's backs, and together they calmly walked away...like brothers, like best friends. Then, the deafening chaos began to arrive in the masses all around them, the lights and the sirens showing up. The two of them did not look back or even flinch. With the lights dancing on their backs, the noise fading into the background, they just walked away from the chilling pandemonium. The destruction and devastation that was about to cause multitudes of earthly trauma and heartache tumbled to the wayside as the two of them took the highway to heaven.

Then, I woke up. I lay in the darkness with a weight of peace I cannot explain. It smothered me like a blanket, I could hardly breathe. But I also thought to myself, "Was that real? Was that what happened?" It was almost impossible to understand because Riley's earthly body had journeyed through every single medical channel that night, and so did I. It was traumatizing, heartbreaking and confusing. It felt impossible to piece all of the variables and jumbled-up flashbacks together. Still, I had a peace in my bones I could not shake.

The morning came and I remember looking down at my iPhone and seeing my recent call list. "MercyOne ER" "Dallas County Sheriff's Office" "Adel Police" "Funeral Home" "Iowa Eye Bank" and "Iowa Organ Donors," I remember dropping my phone and stepping back away from it as if it was a bomb. How horrifying to read a list like that. Then, suddenly it rang. It was an unfamiliar number that I did not have saved yet. I answered and spoke briefly with the man on the other line. I hung up while my family stared at me wondering who it could be this time. It was the Iowa Office of the State Medical Examiners. The man informed me they were beginning Riley's autopsy and soon they would call back with the official cause of death.

Five grueling hours later, my phone rang again, and, "State Medical Examiners" flashed across my iPhone. I was paralyzed in fear. My body went numb and I remember my dad said I didn't have to answer, he assured me he would do it for me. I didn't have time to make a decision, so I impulsively picked up the phone. I held my breath and almost started sobbing right then and there. Terrified by the news that awaited me on the other side. The State Medical Examiner I had talked to earlier was on the other line. He had a calming, almost cheerful tone to his voice, much different than the tone he had that morning. Impossible. What kind of psycho is in a good mood in his line of work? I was so confused. He said, "Katlyn, this is going to be very brief." I didn't know what to do with that sentence, so I just didn't say anything and waited for what was next. He went on and said, "It was instant. I rarely use the word instant, but I assure you, it was instant."

The heavy weighted blanket of peace engulfed my entire body again. I remember falling back onto the couch sobbing and thanking God. I put my phone on speakerphone and asked the Medical Examiner to repeat what he had just told me so my family could hear it. He said it again. You could feel the tension, heartbreak, and anticipation dissipate out of my living room. The air was light. We could all breathe again.

For the first time in three days, my heart took a break at the intersection of divine intervention and scientific evidence. Riley met Jesus on the highway. No pain, no suffering, just Jesus. It was real. It was true. God showed me in the quiet hours of 2:00 a.m. and just eight hours later it was irrefutably verified with medical evidence. Faith and science are a pairing so often polarized from one another, yet the two came together in perfect corroboration. A corroboration I thank God for daily. A corroboration that saved my weary soul.