Champion

In those early morning hours after the accident I never went to sleep. After returning home I didn't know what to do, so I aimlessly walked into the guest bathroom and took a shower. I was so naive to think that a hot shower was the answer, that being physically clean and throwing my clothes away would somehow cut the sting. That clean clothes would magically make it all real. It didn't fix anything. I remember my parents made me a bowl of soup and begged me to eat something. Khloe was nursing at the time so she was propped up on one half of my body, and a cup of soup was on the other. I never took a bite. I just stared at the glowing bookcase in the darkness of my living room. Soon, the sun began to rise and I was angry at God. How could life go on? How could the sun possibly shine? Shouldn't it be dark forever?

I had been paralyzed for hours when suddenly my front door busted open. I didn't have the energy to lift my body or turn my head for that matter. It was my friend, Lori...she didn't even knock. She met me in my frozen state with two coffees in her hands. She held them out in front of me and asked which flavor sounded the best. Not only did this women bring me caffeine, she also brought me choices. Stunned, I reached for one of the coffees. It was still so early, how did she know that was exactly what I needed? How did she know I hadn't slept? How did she know to quite literally show up in my living room unannounced? No text, no phone call, nothing, she just showed up.

Hours before I remember so clearly when she met me on the floor in the trauma bay. I had staggered out of the small waiting room where Russell and I had just heard the news that Riley was gone. I did not last very long on my feet. I fell down in the dimly lit hallway and lay there on my belly all alone. After hearing my screams echo from the main waiting room, Lori sprinted to my helpless estate. She was ushered back by an ER nurse with a handful of other close friends. No one invited her. No one invited any of them. She just felt the need to drive to where I was. She just showed up.

Lori picked me up off the ground and propped me up against the wall. I just stared into space, "Khloe's not going to have a dad. Khloe has to have her dad." I remember repeating these phrases over and over again and shaking. Lori was sitting right beside me. She, along with my other close friends and family witnessed so much that night...so much that she didn't sign up for. Now, she was standing in the middle of my living room. She showed up again. I remember she paced my kitchen and pantry and made notes of what food I might need. She immediately printed photos for the funeral, the visitation, and the programs. Lori did so much for me and my family in those hours and days after the accident and funeral, it honestly all blurs together.

One night stands out vividly in my mind. Days after the accident I still hadn't had a full night's rest. After putting her own three children to bed, Lori walked into my house with a pillow under her arm. She came over to help take care of Khloe so I could sleep. I vividly remember her taking her shoes off, waving her hand in the air saying, "Alright, now everybody go to bed." This was somewhat funny but also somewhat courageous. She was telling a house full of adults to go to bed because she was going to handle anything that needed to be handled that night, and she did.

I remember the two of us laying on the couch together, each on opposite sides. We laughed and cried, we lamented and grieved but most of all we wondered about heaven. In a place where it should have been so hopeless, there was hope. In a place where there should have been so much panic, there was peace. In a place where there should have been so much heartache, there was comfort. Hope, peace, and comfort only come from one place, and that place is Jesus. What a treasure to lay in the darkness with Lori and Jesus that night. Then, for the first time since Riley went to heaven... I fell fast asleep. Finally. Did my body just surrender? No. God removed my deepest, darkest pain and asked Lori to carry it that night, and she did. Call it what you want, but I believe in my bones that He set the sorrow, the grief, and the anguish on her shoulders for just eight hours so I could breathe, so I could rest, so I could finally sleep. Lori intently listens to the Lord and is obedient when He asks her to do something. So, she said yes to this burden of pain and graciously carried it that night.

Lori is strong. She is brave. She is a champion. Champions fight on behalf of something or someone. She is dressed in the armor of God and it is blood-stained and battle-tested. Really, it's resilient. And in the middle of tragedy, she still stood and fought confidently in the Lord. That night in the darkness she fought for me. She fought for my broken heart. She fought for my grieving spirit. She fought for my crushed soul. She fought and carried the weight of all of it so I could sleep and live to see another day. There is a reason sleep deprivation has been used for human torture for centuries. My mind and body were experiencing one of the most traumatic and stressful life events any human can experience, and on top of all of that, I had zero sleep. I truly believe this is when the enemy attacks and takes advantage of God's children. But God showed up in a mighty way. He asked a champion to go to battle on my behalf...and she not only went to battle...she won.

The next day, Lori sent me this text message.

A photo of me sleeping with my 10-month-old baby girl. Most people would look at this and think, "Oh, what a precious photo." This photo was the farthest thing from precious in my mind. This was a picture of survival. A picture of doing the absolute bare minimum to stay alive. A picture of rock bottom. Lori had brought Khloe out to me in the early morning hours to nurse, and I was too tired to put her back in her crib, so much like many of the weeks after Riley died, we laid like this a lot. The most beautiful thing about this photo is the truth that Lori spoke to me. I cannot tell you how badly I needed to hear the words, "You are a good mom." I didn't feel like a good mom. I felt like a horrible, neglectful mom. I could barely keep myself alive, let alone my child. I didn't even have the energy to change her diaper or lift her out of her crib.

So, here I was in one of the weakest moments of my human existence and Lori made sure it was known that I was worthy, that I was actually good. She is steady and grounded in what she believes in, and she is also unapologetic when it comes to telling the truth or doing the right thing. She is an incredible role model of what it looks like to have a servant's heart and wash people's feet. Lori is a woman with innate strength and goes to battle for her people. She is confident in her faith and her love for Lord. Lori is not afraid of offending anyone or showing up for people in the name of Jesus, because that's just what she does. She shows up.

I have experienced the biggest loss of my entire life. A loss so deep, and so profound, that often words fall short of the magnitude of what it truly feels like to lose Riley. To help ease the pain of this unimaginable loss, the Lord gave me a fighter who continually rises up on my behalf and wins. So on the days when the loss feels too great, I'll always remember that God gave me a champion, and it's very apparent whose team she belongs to.